Why is it that lack of energy seems to be perpetual? That once your energy starts slipping, you rest and become even more tired? This describes my past week. Going into the week I had high hopes and expectations for myself, but by Tuesday my week had gone to shit. I did work out all days but Thursday and Friday but I seemed to have this concrete tired feeling. The kind of feeling that also seems to make you eat as if you were (alcohol) "buzzed"... in a way that you convince yourself it's time to let loose or that you deserve 'it' (it meaning all those little treats you shouldn't be eating). I spent the evenings around my home rummaging through the kitchen like a bear raiding a campsite. As you predicted it, I was eating sweets (and pretty much everything in between). I got my "fix" early in the week with an European candy bar and turned into a junkie the rest of the week. On a sugar bender, knowing it was wrong but giving in. Now... don't get me wrong... I wasn't completely bad, I did have some good complete meals but certainly didn't eat as clean as I'd have hoped. Ironically, as I type this my hubby just shouted, "you know what sounds good?A Baskin Robbins cake!" Um, ya! It freakin does sound good but I'm already ridin this sugar wave at its peak and I shouldn't do it... my pancreas is screaming at me, exhausted from basically doing an ultramarathon by pumping out insulin into my bloodstream to suck up all of the glucose I keep dumping into it.

Hi ya'll!

Yep, been one of those weekends I guess. I haven't done horribly, I just haven't been as good as I can. I had a good workout this evening, although it felt HARD. Just trying to move forward one day at a time. Looking for some motivation and hoping this will help me (and anyone else who is reading and needs it)

Well, I was glad to say that last week I had several amazing workouts. This week so far is off to a rough start. I have been habitually sore from workouts because by the time a muscle group recovers I hit is again and I'm sore again. This may sound like a good thing, but it really isn't because of impressive workouts. It has more to do with being a weakling... sometimes I feel like a baby bird walking around my house squabbling and wobbly because I'm sore. It is different than it was before, clearly I haven't made my way there yet. My clothes are fitting somewhat differently but the scale didn't give me much encouragement (remind me I need to stay off of that thing!). I have just under 13 weeks until we leave for Hawaii, plenty of time to see results as long as I am consistent.
I have to admit though, I felt a bit discouraged today. I also wore nylons to work today. Why is it that nylons can make you feel like crap instantly? They squeeze things around into weird places and I felt like the top of the nylons squeezed my stomach down and all of the sudden I felt like I looked like I was four months pregnant. Sucks to feel like the Michelin man.
Oh well, I just keep reminding myself to keep consistent and eventually my body will get the hint. For some reason I swear that once you turn 30 your body just acts differently - I don't like it but I am stubborn enough to take the control back.

Today is going to result in a couple of posts because I was too lazy this week to get on and upload some pics and write. I'd like to share a couple of "tools of the trade" when it comes to my life right now. In addition to my running shoes (which are the #1 key to my sanity) the items below are helping me along my journey.

This is sort of a self reflective post, it's not one of me making fun of myself like usual. I had to see my doctor three times this week to help get my recovery back on track and relieve some of the pain from the flare up of symptoms from the accident. I cried twice this week when meeting with her (no, this is not normal for me). The first day I cried was Monday. Right when my doctor came into the treatment room I cried like a small child who had been missing its mother. I cried again Friday when she asked how I was doing. Why did I cry twice this week? Well, it is because of the emotional journey I guess. I felt scared. Scared that I was going to be told I had to stop working out, scared that I would have to deal with pain like this for the rest of my life. I also said to my doctor on Friday that I felt fragile, something I hadn't ever felt before. Fragile is something that makes me feel weak.

My doctor said she appreciated it when I cried in front of her, she said that's part of the healing process. Feeling this type of vulnerability is important to the process of healing (these are her words, although I do agree I guess). She told me that these types of physical setbacks after the accident are normal, and they will be accompanied by mental and emotional journeys. She then asked me if I have realized how significant my accident and injuries really were. It's hard for me to answer this question. Although my doctors have continually told me how lucky I am I guess it is hard to acknowledge it when it is your own body and life and especially when you aren't used to feeling like you had a brush with death. She then said something that really resignated with me, she said "until you acknowledge and accept how serious your accident was you're going to have a hard time moving through these feelings and setbacks. You need to honor where your body is at and recognize you are making great progress and are much further along than you should be. You need to tell your body Thank You for saving you from being paralyzed or even worse, death. Don't be mad at your body because it has these setbacks and can't go 110%."

The conversation really hit me. She is completely right, I haven't accepted the seriousness of the accident. I haven't spent enough time thanking my body for making the progress it has so far. It is really a vulnerable feeling to open up and allow acceptance to enter your mind. So, perhaps this should have been a New Years resolution... honoring where I am at and not getting frustrated my the process of healing.

It was "one of those" weeks. All had been going well until Friday. Let me re-wind and take you to early in the week. I started the week off great, early bird workout Monday morning. Tuesday I couldn't workout early because I had to go to Seattle for work and my flight left EARLY. It was a fast paced business trip (as they usually are). My lunch was ordered for me, basically they ordered a variety of burgers and warm sandwiches. I quickly chose the black bean burger because it was the healthiest option that was presented (the fries on the other hand... um... well... those aren't exactly healthy but they were yummy). This started me on a journey to Burgerville. The lunch itself wasn't all that bad but when I got back home I was sttaaaarrrrrvvvviinngggg and thus I surrendered to a Jack n the Box on the way home. Dang it! I decided that although I found myself in Burgerville I was only passing through and didn't plan an extended stay.
The next morning I had a great workout, probably the most intense I've done since the accident and it felt good to be acting like a wild animal in the gym again. Thursday my body was speaking, or maybe I should say screaming at me. I was sore, but it was one of those accomplished sore feelings. Regardless, I needed a rest day. Here's where all went wrong. I woke up Friday and could not move my neck without excruciating pain. I was hurting bad. I tried to tough it out but just spent the weekend in major pain and back to popping pain pills like they are tic tacs. I got into to see my Dr. today, she is seriously a miracle worker. I'm still a bit stiff and sore, but so much better. I will be seeing her again Wed and Fri this week to get back on track. I do have to mention though that the pain did not keep me from visiting Burgerville once more Friday night (in the form of Five Guys) UGH! and we also had dinner at The Melting Pot (pure saturated fat in three courses of fondue - bad girl!).
I don't want to go into to many details as to what happened with my neck and back but basically I have been trying to do too much and told to take things a little easier. I am released to still be working out (just a little less aggressively). My doctor knows that exercise is like Prozac for me and understands how important it is that I keep my routine - again, she is a total god send!

This week is all about diet. I will be keeping a food journal, I may even share a day if something seems interesting enough. Here's to a great week ya'll!