It's the final countdown! I am in the second day of 'peak week'. It has been a VERY interesting mental and emotional deal for me. Let me tell you about yesterday... yesterday I was in a state of euphoria most of the day, until about 4pm. I got home and was doing some figure show "research" on the internet and I kinda had what some would refer to as an out of body experience. This was sooooo odd - first of all what really happened was I had a mental disconnect with what I really looked like and what I thought I looked like. All of the sudden I felt like I look the way I did when I started my training back in January (awwww hell nah!) I got the nervous sweats and got all fidgety thinking that I wasn't ready! So I jumped up and ran down to the mirror in my room downstairs, took all my clothes off and then stood in amazement looking at myself. I even rubbed my eyeballs a little bit because I didn't even believe it was me! I was looking better than I remembered! For a second it was like I forgot what I looked like... so weird.

Last night I had a lot of anxiety, trying to calm myself down to go to sleep was quite a task. I just kept having these visualizations that I was too fat for my suit and my gut was hanging over my suit, etc. Even today I keep thinking I am fat again. Everytime I go to the bathroom I lift up my shirt to take a look and my abs and see if they are still there - why the heck is this happening to me?!?!?! I am experiencing body dysmorphia - NO!!! No, I won't let this happen!

This week is such a weird week... all along I thought to myself, "I can't wait until the last week" and now that it is here I don't want it to be here yet! What is wrong with me?! The other thing that is so weird about this week is that my training and diet are different. For an overview my training is much less rigorous than the weeks prior. Basically you are trying to "flush out the muscles" without inducing muscle damage (that could bring inflammation and retention of fluids). I actually stop working out Thursday morning and pretty much just hang out after that. I feel like I am slacking as far as the exercise is concerned. The food is a whole other issue... I am so overtrained that 1) I have no appetite and 2) any source of meat protein makes me dry-heave and gag. I am literally choking down my dry chicken and trying not to vomit all over myself (insert your own visual here). I am doing everything I can to get as much protein in body as I am supposed to but it is very hard! I have however, been able to eat some carbohydrates this week and that has been a god send! I have a whole new respect for oats and sweet potatoes, or "oatmeal cookies and candied yams" as they taste like to me right about now.

Lastly, I have my suit in my possession! I am planning on doing some posing this evening and will try and get some pics uploaded for ya'll to see (I know, I know... I keep saying that)! I will do my best, I can't sleep anyway so I might as well take some pics and post 'em.

This pic was taken just under two weeks out from the show...

I vant to pump up my muscles!!!! Interestingly, my little experiment with carbs has proven to be effective. I started eating carbs yesterday and woke up this morning feeling 'tighter'. I feel the area that it can most be seen is in the abdominal region. I will continue to eat carbs through this afternoon to see where my "set point is" and determine how many days I should be eating carbs prior to the show (granted what I am seeing could all be a placebo affect, but it works for me). I have to admit getting to cheat a little bit on my diet was sure a lot of fun, but I did feel like a fish out of water. I felt VERY guilty. I ate some things I haven't had in 12 weeks! I did taper water back some, so instead of 1 gallon I was drinking a half gallon or approx 8 cups. This part was hard also. I found myself walking around with a sandpaper tongue most of the day.

This morning a lightbulb went off in my head. I got up and looked at my body in the mirror and I looked 'flat'. So this is what they mean when you look 'flat' - to me it seemed obvious when I saw myself! My abs were not nearly as pronounced, my shoulders looked like deflated balloons and my legs were softer looking. I have been doing a test run of my depletion and re-carb phase for the show. I was so glad I woke up looking 'flat' because I seriously feel like crap and am ridiculously tired (which convinced me that I had hit the bottom of my depletion). Today was the day I was planning on eating carbs again after three days of depleting all sugar and glycogen in my body. Now it is time to start eating carbs again (including things I haven't had in quite a while... Quaker instant sweetened oatmeal, can you say yum- dessert!) so that my muscles can fill back up with glycogen, which also brings water into the muscle tissue. This will help me look "full again". I plan on eating carbs tomorrow as well and watching my body to see what it looks like come Monday (and tomorrow). What I have to be careful with while eating carbs is a "spillover" effect, meaning that I ate too many carbohydrates and the excess has recruited water not only to my muscle but also to the interstitial space, therefore creating excess subcutaneous water which will leave me with a puffy and bloated look. The goal is to load just enough carbohydrates that my muscles hold the water and look fuller for the day of the show. Is this confusing to you? Because it is a bit confusing to me! I certainly understand the principles and science behind the thinking but really there are so many questions that involve sodium, potassium, water, glycogen, glycemic index of food, etc. That doesn't even include all of the signaling proteins and physiological reactions times that can differ in each person! All of these things play a role in how the body will look the day of the show. These things can actually bring very significant changes, so it is import to try and time everything out right and get myself looking the best I can!

On another note... I had my hair done last night - dark reddish brown! It's taking some getting used to but I think it will look really great with a super dark tan and my teal suit. Tomorrow Em and I have another suit fitting, if all goes well I will post pics so you can see progress and the hair!

Ok, so I have been getting questions about new progress pics... people wanna see! Here are a few- the random one in the purple suit was taken to show how the abs are coming in (this was at night, they look much better in the morning :). These are from about a week ago so things have changed some since and I will take more in the next few days to show all of you where I am at now!

Ok, funny story here. I went a little nuts last night with some peanut butter (no pun intended). I had calculated my calories from the day before and discovered I had only eaten approx 950 calories the day before, which explained why I was so ridiculously tired (I expended that in cardio alone)! I guess that somehow allowed me to justify add just a bit more food the following day (which was yesterday). I thought, I am going to add some 'healthy fats' in to my diet today... and then proceeded to dive head first into a jar of peanut butter. About an hour or so after that I headed to the gym, and about 30 mins after arriving at the gym I found myself in horrible pain. Stomach pain to be exact! Oh my... did it hurt! It was such an eye opener to how sensitive my stomach has been with all of the show prep I have been doing. I need to prepare a plan for when I re-enter the real world and start eating 'normal' again - I certainly don't want to pay the price for going on an all out bender.

Side note... stay tuned for some progress pics I will post this evening or tomorrow. Also coming up will be some pictures from me in my suit, which I will be trying on again tomorrow... eek!

(Ok, random... but those last two posts were from days ago and I just was finally able to send them out - Blogger was having some "issues" when I originally tried to post).

This post is for all the haters that are out there. I have decided that I want to speak to this issue. I haven't really had anyone outwardly say a rude or descending comment to me but I have had people who weren't as supportive as they could be or have made comments that have no relevance. Sometimes people may not even realize what they are saying (or not saying) and how that can truly impact someone. For example, if someone says, "oh, your doing that?! You only have two months left? Do you think you'll be ready?" That's just a down right stupid and less than supportive thing to say. What one is insinuating is that they do not believe you are going to be successful. Why not just say, "Wow! You're doing that! You still have two months?! You are going to be great!" Doesn't that sound like a a more supportive thing to say?

I have decided that those that can not bring themselves to say supportive comments are insecure, jealous, lack confidence and just not happy with their own lives. To someone that has anything less than supportive and positive to say - I say to them, "eat it"!

By the way, if you have a legitimate criticism to say I expect that you are;

1. In phenomenal shape yourself
2. Have done a contest prep and done well
3. Are a respected expert in the arena of contest prep

These are the only people that I will accept constructive criticism from. All others can keep their mouths shut, keep their insecurities to themselves and go back to their cheeseburgers.

My abs have decided to start making their presence known... they seem to be coming in more now, after this last week's diet I am glad to see that. Next week starts another change in my diet - ugh! I can't wait to be 'normal' again. I feel like I am still shedding fat at a fairly good pace and that I will be ready for the show in just over 3 weeks (a lot can happen in 3 weeks). I will continue to put the hard work in and see what happens, this was really all about the journey for me, it's not even about how well I will do (and believe, those obsessional thoughts about doing well at the competition are hard to fight!). I have learned so much through this process, no one can understand what it is like unless they do it. I have finally come to a place where I can say outloud to myself, "I am proud of how far I have come through this journey". I truly am, and really how many people can do something like this? Not many can say they have, or are willing to take the journey. By far, it's the hardest thing I have had to do personally.