Generally I write about things that are first time experiences or just plain funny experiences (granted, I usually exaggerate a bit which helps with the visualization). Today I don't feel like writing about anything that is really all that funny. This is because I have had a few enlightening days over the past couple of weeks. My blog post today is just going to be one of brutal honesty and transparency. I am going to describe the types of things we generally hide for fear of seeming "weak". What I have come to realize is that I am really struggling with my emotions while trying to deal with my dog Ruby's cancer diagnosis. For the first few weeks I was in a pretty big funk, but that is to be expected when you learn of devastating news. Then there were a couple of weeks where I thought I was really turning around, like I was finally able to deal with the sadness and stress. Well, that is not the case. I have realized more than ever this week that I am still really sad. My heart is very heavy. I couldn't understand why I had put myself in a carb coma for the last few weeks and to be honest I have been denying it to myself that I can't emotionally deal with the Ruby situation. Here in lies the problem, I don't know what to do. I have tried to mask the feelings by "carrying on" and trying to do things that make me feel better, like working out. These things do make me feel better but its only temporary and it hasn't been the same since the diagnosis. What I am scared of right now is that I don't feel like I have the control. Only someone who has been through this with a pet can understand, others can't even come close. It has produced a whirlwind of sadness that is reminiscent of when my father was dying of cancer. Each day I look at the tumor I genuinely feel physical pain. The tumor is growing rapidly and irregularly. I feel HELPLESS. I, who has been the one to protect and care for Ruby her entire life is able to do nothing to save her from the painful death of cancer. The feelings of guilt are tremendous. It makes me feel worthless. There have also been many changes at work recently and more to come, and yet I am usually really good at dealing with change. I am usually proactive and resilient. Now I feel paralyzed and tired. Almost like I am in the middle of a tornado, it is very quiet and lonely and yet everything seems to be spinning around me about a million miles and hour. I share this post today because I am hoping that releasing these feelings to whoever is listening will be therapeutic and help me come to some sort of acceptance. I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer" I just think that showing this vulnerability is part of being open to the journey of life and experiencing it to the fullest. I know that I am not alone, others have felt this way at some point or maybe even do now. Perhaps the best advice I can live by right now is "take one day at a time and live each day to its fullest", and so the journey continues... today is Ruby's 7th birthday - we are celebrating the life moments we have shared, the love we have for one another and praying for more great memories in the future.