Generally I write about things that are first time experiences or just plain funny experiences (granted, I usually exaggerate a bit which helps with the visualization). Today I don't feel like writing about anything that is really all that funny. This is because I have had a few enlightening days over the past couple of weeks. My blog post today is just going to be one of brutal honesty and transparency. I am going to describe the types of things we generally hide for fear of seeming "weak". What I have come to realize is that I am really struggling with my emotions while trying to deal with my dog Ruby's cancer diagnosis. For the first few weeks I was in a pretty big funk, but that is to be expected when you learn of devastating news. Then there were a couple of weeks where I thought I was really turning around, like I was finally able to deal with the sadness and stress. Well, that is not the case. I have realized more than ever this week that I am still really sad. My heart is very heavy. I couldn't understand why I had put myself in a carb coma for the last few weeks and to be honest I have been denying it to myself that I can't emotionally deal with the Ruby situation. Here in lies the problem, I don't know what to do. I have tried to mask the feelings by "carrying on" and trying to do things that make me feel better, like working out. These things do make me feel better but its only temporary and it hasn't been the same since the diagnosis. What I am scared of right now is that I don't feel like I have the control. Only someone who has been through this with a pet can understand, others can't even come close. It has produced a whirlwind of sadness that is reminiscent of when my father was dying of cancer. Each day I look at the tumor I genuinely feel physical pain. The tumor is growing rapidly and irregularly. I feel HELPLESS. I, who has been the one to protect and care for Ruby her entire life is able to do nothing to save her from the painful death of cancer. The feelings of guilt are tremendous. It makes me feel worthless. There have also been many changes at work recently and more to come, and yet I am usually really good at dealing with change. I am usually proactive and resilient. Now I feel paralyzed and tired. Almost like I am in the middle of a tornado, it is very quiet and lonely and yet everything seems to be spinning around me about a million miles and hour. I share this post today because I am hoping that releasing these feelings to whoever is listening will be therapeutic and help me come to some sort of acceptance. I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer" I just think that showing this vulnerability is part of being open to the journey of life and experiencing it to the fullest. I know that I am not alone, others have felt this way at some point or maybe even do now. Perhaps the best advice I can live by right now is "take one day at a time and live each day to its fullest", and so the journey continues... today is Ruby's 7th birthday - we are celebrating the life moments we have shared, the love we have for one another and praying for more great memories in the future.

Yesterday was a successful day! Pam and I went to Couer d Alene, yes this is a great way to start any day, in a beautiful place. We swam in the lake, in our wetsuits. I let Pam go off and do her thing, I didn't want to hold her back and I needed to work on my own swimming rhythm. The wake in the water was a challenge to get used to, but great for me to practice in. It forced me to breath on both sides in order to not suffocate (this would not be a good thing). I felt like I was really able to get into a rhythm and practice my breathing technique in a "sloshing around" environment. Plus, it marked another successful day getting in and out of my wetsuit... hehe!

After the swim we went on a bike ride. Part of our ride was out to Higgins Point and back, this is part of the Ironman course (albeit a very small part, but I will count it). In total we rode 25 miles, some on hills and some with traffic. My challenges were mostly with the "crotch region" and my neck. These things just take some getting used to - not much else to say here. All in all, each day brings new adventures. I am just trying to be humble through the process and take each day as it comes <--- these are probably the wisest words I have ever spoken, I wonder if this 'training' is making me a smarter person?

Well, here I am again. My weekly blog in tow (yes, I AM trying to blog more often). Yesterday, marked a victory day - swimming in the open water in my new wetsuit. What a fun experience (insert sarcasm tone here). I mean, who doesn't enjoy sweating like a small farm pig as you try to squeeze your fat ass into a little black rubber suit that appears to be 10 sizes too small? I wondered if they sent me the wrong size at first, is this the matching wetsuit for my baby doll I asked myself. No, it was a "women's medium"... really? (maybe a Chinese woman, but can this possibly be for an American woman?) My friend Pam got to witness the entire thing, in a "friend voice" she encouraged me... "don't worry, they are always really tight the first time". Ummm, ok maybe - but is the thing supposed to feel like I have been shrink wrapped in a Michellin tire with a baby elephant standing on my chest? Oh ya, and whoever said black was "slimming" was full of shit. I was standing there looking like a giant tub of road tar and I mean GIANT, enough to cover all the cracks on I-90. Thank God I had a swim cap on, at least a passerby wouldn't have been able to tell my gender (oh wait, take that back - I guess a skin forming suit does show the tatas). Now that I am completely embarrased (and have even been mistaken for a scuba diver by two boys who were swimming nearby) I stood there - staring at Pam, "what's next"? What other embarrasing thing is next? What other self esteem crushing activity do you have in store for me? Off I waddled like an emperor penguin into the lake. Whoa! This thing kinda makes me float (perhaps it was actually my weekend bender of wedding food and wine that helped with the bouyancy, whatever, I will take it). Technically, "floating" doesn't count as swimming so we started to swim straight out into the middle of the lake. Pam looked like a windmill swimming effortlessly. I, however, looked like a spastic giant bobber in the lake. Here's how I "roll" - freestyle, breastroke, "bob" for air, repeat. Sure, my endurance is lacking... but hey - I was out there moving the ol' bod. It felt good. I have much work to do before Ironman next year, but I just need to remember one day at a time will get me there.

I also had the experience this past week of changing my bike tire (cheers for me!). This actually happened in the comfort of my home, kinda nice for the first time. I had noticed the tire went flat by itself, so I manhandled it and changed out the tube! From a distance I am sure it looked like I was wrestling with a black snake, don't worry - I won. Shortly after changing the tire, I took her out for a spin. The wind in my hair, I was looking around like "Hey everyone! Look at me! I am a real life triathlete!" (not entirely true because I haven't actually completed on yet). I have decided that I will name my bike, (don't ask me why, these are just the types of things I do)... haven't settled on a name yet but I'll keep you posted.

The story of my life lately... binging! Oh man, this has been a crazy couple of weeks. One thing lead to another and to another and now I have been spiraling outta control with my binging and lack of exercise. It's a viscous cycle, the poor eating makes you want to stop working out and stop drinking water and then all of the sudden you aren't sleeping well and you just don't feel "good". This is me, welcome to my world recently. It is a slippery slope, the 'jack in the box treat' was the gateway drug to my lazy life. This weekend we are headed to a wedding - after that I need to get back on track! I would like to loose a few lbs before spring to reduce my risk of injury as my training volume increases... ah, the never ending battle!

My latest challenge is to get in the pool consistently. Honestly, it has been a struggle. First, my endurance in the pool is in the toilet, I don't like not being "good" at it. I can barely swim down and back without having to take a rest. Second, the chlorine makes me itchy and makes me smell like chlorine - not appreciated. My goal is to swim a minimum of 3 times per week, ideally 4 times per week. So far this week I have only made it two times. Tonight I went in and vowed to swim at least for 15-20 minutes (not non-stop... I'm not that conditioned yet!). I swam 500m after a 200m warm up. I guess that isn't too bad considering it is the second time I have gotten in the pool in a year. I know it will come with practice, but it has been difficult. This saturday I will be attending a triathlon swim clinic. I am really looking forward to this and am hoping that it helps me with my confidence level and excitement around swimming (fingers crossed). On a side note... I did get a new "toy" today! I got a new wetsuit. It looks like it is an outfit for a doll, its kinda small. I guess that is the intent, you do want it to be like second skin - but dang! See the picture below...

I have always talked about how "I was going to do Ironman". Well I am, in 2011. I signed up for the race last night, honestly I can't believe I went ahead and pushed through all the fear. It's one thing to talk about it like you are going to do it, it's another to register and then realize that you have to start training NOW. I am scared that is the honest truth, but I figured why I am I still waiting? I am 30 next year and I don't have too many childless years left. Another reason I want to do this is for my dog Ruby. This sounds weird but if somehow she is a miracle dog and lives for a whole year I want her to be there when I finish the race, I always imagined in my head that she and Emma and TJ would all be there at the finish line - I am hoping that can be the case. I know it will be a long journey but I am hoping that it is a fun one and one where I learn more about myself than ever before. I truly have to give thanks to my husband for this. He bought me a new bike and has been so supportive, I couldn't ask for a better husband. Even though he doesn't understand my crazy antics, he totally 'props' me up. I am getting the question... does this mean you aren't shooting for Boston in the fall? Well... not sure about that yet. I will wait and see how it all plays out in the next few weeks. First thing though I need to get some miles in on my new tri bike! Yep - you read that right... new TRI BIKE! TJ bought it for me yesterday. So, there you go - I figured now I have the bike and the registration was still open (usually never open that long), so I decided to take a leap of faith. I keep reminding myself to take one day at a time, even though I am scared shitless. This will be one of the hardest journeys I will be on, I know that but luckily I have a great support system around me. See the pic of my new bike, this isn't my exact bike (the wheels are different) but this is the bike... the Quintana Roo 'Dulce'. So here starts my new journey... deep breaths... in through the nose and out through the mouth... and we start walking one foot in front of the other...