If you have looked at my blog posts over the past years (which have become much more sparse - lol) you would know that nearly two years ago I suffered a major bicycle accident.  Aside from the physical injuries, which were significant, I had MAJOR psychological issues after the accident.  Although the psychological ramifications didn't really surface fully until about a year after the accident, I assume this was because the first year I was preoccupied with healing physically.  I had reoccurring fears and thoughts of the accident happening again or turning out differently (meaning, leaving me off worse than I was or currently am).  These thoughts started to invade my life, all hours of the day - and I mean ALL hours.  I was losing sleep, up all night with irrational anxiety and fear.  I finally sought help.  My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD.  Yep, shocker.  I thought to myself that how could I have PTSD?  I mean, that's so serious.  That's something I think is more deserving for people who have been through much more serious situations than I.  I think of war zones and all of the amazing people who serve our country so we can have the freedoms we have  (if you are reading this and have or currently are serving our country... THANK YOU by the way).  I underwent counseling and was treated with anti-anxiety meds.  Long story short, I am beyond that now.  I am off meds and although I still have fearful thoughts at times I also have hopeful thoughts and I am able to move beyond any anxiety that surfaces.  All of this is to say that where I am today is much different than where I was 6-12 months ago.

Through this journey I still haven't really conquered the fear of riding my bike.  Yes, I took it out for a ride on a local paved trail about a year ago but I haven't taken it for a ride on the road and especially haven't taken any rides downhill.  I have verbalized how I wanted to conquer the fear and I wanted to take my bike out but never had.  I now realize, I just wasn't ready and by giving myself the ok to not do it was where I needed to be.  Well, today marked the day I was ready.  I had been thinking about it for weeks now, visualizing me riding and building up my confidence.  I don't want to ride my bike alone and honestly I just can't (yet).  So, I really wanted to do this with someone who I feel would be supportive of me.  Of course, my husband is a perfect fit for this need.  We rode our bikes to the gym today.  From our house to the gym.  One small detail I should share is that we live on top of a hill - there's no getting around it, we have to go downhill to get out of our neighborhood.  Of course, that also means we have to go uphill to get home.  These are fairly high grade hills, so this is serious stuff!  The hubs had gotten our bikes ready, tires pumped, etc.  My heart was racing as we left the house.  I warned my husband - I may need to stop and I HAVE to go slow downhill, I don't want to feel the feeling of my bike getting out of control again like the last feelings I remember before my wreck.  We took it easy down the hill.  There were a few times where I felt a little unstable.  There were moments my palms were sweaty.  There were moments I wanted to turn around and go back home,  Through all of that I decided that I really needed to push through - I could take breaks.  I could go as slow as I wanted but I needed to keep going.  After the first couple of hills out of the neighborhood I started to feel a little more confident.  The last hill I went much faster than I had been going and I heard my husband cheering behind me, "you're back!"  That made me feel good.

On the way back home, I wasn't scared for the same reasons.  I wasn't thinking about wrecking again on my bike.  I was actually more concerned with being able to make it back up the hills!  Some of these hills are quite steep and I am not in cycling shape (remember - I have only been working out again for about a week consistently!).  Well, I made it.  I'm not going to lie though it was tough.  My lungs were on fire, my quads were throbbing and I was sweating like I was in a sauna.  You probably could have pushed me over with a feather at some points I was riding so slow!  But I made it home and I feel accomplished.  It may seem small to some people but to me it was truly a milestone.  It's amazing to me that I have done so many things that require such dedication and determination... I mean, Ironman isn't for the faint of heart and yet today I was almost starting back over.  Physically and mentally, I felt like a beginner but that's ok.  I am ok with that feeling, in fact, in some ways I am truly embracing it.  Because I am on a journey for improvement and I am grateful I can be in the moment and enjoy these moments.  I am humble to how quickly things can change, good or bad.    

I have active friends who have never suffered an accident like the one I did.  Some of them are empathetic about how difficult of a mental journey, and sometimes still physical journey it has been for me.  Others are completely ignorant and naive and can't relate because for whatever reason they don't realize it could happen to them so easily.  In some ways these certain friends have portrayed themselves as self-centered.  To the friends who have been empathetic, supportive and authentic to me - THANK YOU.  You all should know who you are, if I have talked to you about the fears I have and how I have felt about all of this over the past two years... you are one of these great friends that I am saying thank you to.  You were part of this journey for me to get to where I was and am today.   

It has been a variety of emotions but today I am at a place where I continually try to be grateful for all I have and I am humble to the fears I still have from the experiences of my life.