The food demons seem to come out at night. I don't know what it is but every night it is an inner battle with myself, "no, don't eat that!"... "eat less of that".. etc. Really it is crazy. In the morning I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to go again, like I can conquer the world, but at night I find myself running from the food demons. I wonder if others have this same battle during contest prep? Not sure, but it sure makes it difficult! I am doing 'ok' with the food. Some days are hard to eat enough, others just not enough protein, other days too much, other days not the right kinds of foods. The other night TJ brought a bunch of junk home, it almost sent me spiraling into a state of depression. Seriously- I almost broke down and started crying. It was so hard to look bread, rolls, chocolate chip cookies and other crap in the face and tell it no. Then the demons come into play and they start trying to help me rationalize, "just a little bite won't hurt", "haven't you ever heard of cheat days - everyone has them", "life is no fun when you deprive yourself". That is my biggest battle right now.

The workouts on the other hand are going ok. It has been a bit difficult to balance all of it with work. I find myself working 70-80hrs/week right now. High stress job, which makes me want to surrender to the pressure and stress but someone I keep trying to move forward, one day at a time. Em has been a great support and a great friend, so nice to have. I will continue this journey and am looking forward to 'crossing the finish line'!

I don't think your ready for this jelly... Oh geez! You read that title right... the jelly-potomus is back. For some reason yesterday I felt like a giant blob of blubber. Yes... my clothes are fitting better but I was jiggling all around when I was on the elliptical last night, like a giant blur of a human-disgusting! My self esteem went spiraling down the toilet when I realized that I had decided to wear a pair of workout pants that were too tight, along with a very tight tank top. I felt like I looked like one of those water weenies - for some reason squeezing my body from one area just pushed it to another. Problem was I didn't realized how this all looked until I got to the gym and could see myself in front of the mirror. I didn't have another outfit and I don't think it would have been acceptable to workout naked (actually for the 'acceptable' part... that just would have been wrong, gym patrons would have been nauseous).

These last couple of days have been somewhat of a "reality check" for me. I'm freakin out a bit... I mean there is only 9.5 weeks to go (actually slightly less than) and I don't know what my body will do between now and then. Its to the point that I am scared poopless, what if I can't pull this off? What if I get on stage and I just get the "empathetic applause" accompanied by whispers of "oh that's great... a fat girl had the courage to do this". I don't want to be that girl!!! This process plays minds games on you - for anyone reading this that wants to do a show, make sure you have a good support system in place. Without you will go crazy... I am being serious. This is the hardest thing I have had to do in my life (besides choosing between a Coach or Dooney&Burke purse... just kidding! :) I all reality it is the hardest thing I have done so far... maybe because it is starting to get so real. I will be getting fitted for my suit soon, I have already decided on the color. It will be teal. The woman making the suit alerted Em and I that she won't be putting the elastic in until the very end. So my first fitting will be like trying on a teal loin cloth- and last time I checked loin cloths weren't flattering on me!

Jiggle on my friends...

Aloha!

Whew! Last week was brutal! I had an incredibly stressful week with work and personal "things". This all took its toll on my body, I started sleeping less, skipping meals and stopped drinking water. No brainer here... this wasn't good! In addition to the psychological and emotional exhaustion, I began to feel physical exhaustion. One of my runs last week felt like I was running with concrete peg legs. My legs were heavy, stiff and it was not only tiring to run but borderline painful. Lesson learned I guess. Who would've known that body needs food, water and sleep to perform?

I am still seeing results, although things are starting to get harder and with less than 10 weeks left there is no time or room for error. I've got to keep my diet and training on track. Kung Pao! That's what needs to happen, I'm gonna Kung Fu fight through the next 10 weeks.

TJ recently booked a vacation for us to Maui for our one year anniversary- this trip will happen about 5 weeks after the show. The added incentive of being in a bikini for a week may help me push through. If I'm not careful I might be mistaken for a dead jellyfish on the beach, and nobody wants that. I intend to have my lips permanently glued to a Mai Tai for the week. Maybe I will get a little crazy with a Hula Hoop, grass skirt and coconut bra! Either way I am starting to get anxious, everyday is a day to put in the work so that I don't look back and say I wish I would've given it all I had. Mahalo!

PS. Look for my next progress pics in the next day or two...

A couple of days ago I had a great back and biceps workout! For the first time in a long time I felt like I really worked my back - sometimes those muscles are difficult to get feeling 'fatigued'. The other great news is that I am now able to use less weight on my assisted pull-ups (this is a good thing!). Even though I still resemble a hippo trying to do a pull-up some of my hippo weight is disappearing.

Another thing I need to note is that sugar free does not mean calorie free! Sugar free candy is becoming somewhat of a problem. My sweet tooth (or should I say sweet teeth) is taking over. I have been sneaking sugar free candies into my diet and now I have started replacing meals with sugar free candy! Last time I checked candy didn't have protien in it and it doesn't count as a meal... so head scratcher here- how do I solve this little delema? Perhaps I can stuff my chicken breast with sugar free candy? No! That's not good! I gotta work through this...

Just call me Quadzilla... that's what TJ calls me. My wheels are smokin! I have been doing some good workouts lately. I lifted legs yesterday, it was a pretty agressive workout (or maybe it's just me that was agressive). I challenged a power lifter in the weight room, asked him when he was gonna be done with the squat rack and gave him the "I'm wearing pink lifting gloves and I know how to use 'em" look. He evacuated the space within 5 mins, guess I am a force to be reckoned with. I have gotten three runs in over the last three days... did 6.5 miles Sunday, 4 yesterday and another 4 today. I contemplated borrowing a wheelchair from someone because my legs are so tired, but that would require me using my arms to power myself around and that could just cause more problems. So I am trying to just let my legs 'relax' the rest of the night - I never really understood that phrase, I mean you have to use your legs to transport yourself so they don't really get to 'relax'. Tomorrow morning is going to be a plyo's workout with Em - it will be a glorious 6am workout I am sure but my plyo's will probably resemble twitches more than explosive movements (wow... I know you are thinking, "what an athlete", haha!)