This is sort of a self reflective post, it's not one of me making fun of myself like usual. I had to see my doctor three times this week to help get my recovery back on track and relieve some of the pain from the flare up of symptoms from the accident. I cried twice this week when meeting with her (no, this is not normal for me). The first day I cried was Monday. Right when my doctor came into the treatment room I cried like a small child who had been missing its mother. I cried again Friday when she asked how I was doing. Why did I cry twice this week? Well, it is because of the emotional journey I guess. I felt scared. Scared that I was going to be told I had to stop working out, scared that I would have to deal with pain like this for the rest of my life. I also said to my doctor on Friday that I felt fragile, something I hadn't ever felt before. Fragile is something that makes me feel weak.

My doctor said she appreciated it when I cried in front of her, she said that's part of the healing process. Feeling this type of vulnerability is important to the process of healing (these are her words, although I do agree I guess). She told me that these types of physical setbacks after the accident are normal, and they will be accompanied by mental and emotional journeys. She then asked me if I have realized how significant my accident and injuries really were. It's hard for me to answer this question. Although my doctors have continually told me how lucky I am I guess it is hard to acknowledge it when it is your own body and life and especially when you aren't used to feeling like you had a brush with death. She then said something that really resignated with me, she said "until you acknowledge and accept how serious your accident was you're going to have a hard time moving through these feelings and setbacks. You need to honor where your body is at and recognize you are making great progress and are much further along than you should be. You need to tell your body Thank You for saving you from being paralyzed or even worse, death. Don't be mad at your body because it has these setbacks and can't go 110%."

The conversation really hit me. She is completely right, I haven't accepted the seriousness of the accident. I haven't spent enough time thanking my body for making the progress it has so far. It is really a vulnerable feeling to open up and allow acceptance to enter your mind. So, perhaps this should have been a New Years resolution... honoring where I am at and not getting frustrated my the process of healing.