My life is starting to feel like I am living in a mouse cage. All I do is go to the food dish, sleep (curled up like ball) and exercise like I am on an exercise wheel. The treadmill is definitely the human version of the mouse wheel - and it's not right! If you really start thinking about the gym environment its pretty funny. Basically you have a bunch of people who are lifting things and then setting them down, moving weight around and running on mouse wheels to sculpt the perfect muscles and body. It seems so weird to me when I really start to analyze it, especially because that is what our culture has resorted to to keep people in shape. It's no longer enough to just transport yourself on your own to legs a little bit in society to "burn the calories", nor is working in your yard or around the house sufficient for maintaining a normal body. I need to get outside more, the gym atmosphere has me feeling trapped! Isn't the gym a funny place when you think about it?

My competitors might be 'green with envy' if they saw my 'green' meal last night, hahahaha! I didn't realize how many green foods I was eating until started loading up my plate - here are all the items that I had that were green;

*Kale
*Lettuce
*Dill relish
*Fresh dill
*Dill pickles
*Banana peppers
*Zucchini
*Bread and Butter pickles

And yes, it was a complete colon cleanse this morning. So here we are less than 4 weeks out from the show and I'm feeling pretty good... I felt like I got much leaner over the last week with the new diet (had a small derailment Saturday night as I went on a small binge). I can't believe the show is almost here, I am so glad I put in the hard work leading up to this point. Now, I just need to stay on track and continue this journey - I can't wait to see what I will look like on stage and I have tried to remind myself about how far I have come and to be proud instead of a big fat jerk to myself (which is what I usually do... I usually verbally beat the crap out of myself over everything - that stupid A+ personality gets me everytime). I am going to post again later about a few other thoughts, but I wanted to share how ridiculous my green dinner was last night.

I want a cracker so bad right now! You don't even know! I'd even settle for an old crusty stale piece of wonderbread at the moment. This last week of changing up my diet really helped me, I feel like I saw great results from the week but has left me a bit hungry (as you can read). My workouts were a little crazy this week, didn't hit all of my goals but that's because I was so freakin tired, sore and achy all week (I believe this was due mostly to the diet change). My body was like.. "WTF are you doing to me?!?!?", my response of course was "surrender the fat and no one gets hurt"... I am hoping this week brings great results.

I have more progress pictures for everyone to see... today marks 4 weeks out from the show! Holy crap! I officially registered yesterday evening... a lot can happen in four weeks - now it's time to see if my body will succumb to the orders I am giving it to get lean and if it could harvest fat in the region lower than my chest it would appreciated, it seems like it has pretty much maxed out the boob region. For the first time since I was probably in junior high I have resorted to wearing padded bras - what is this world coming to? See the pic's below, and yes I am still working on my posing... until next time Ciao!

My diet has been redeveloped this week and that has left me feeling like a hungry hungry hippo! I seriously felt like I lost a pound just in the first day on my 'new diet', yikes! Now that it is 'cutting time' I have to find the balance between getting enough calories and making sure I am in a calorie deficit. This is actually a very difficult thing to do, if you go too low on calories your body will go into a starvation mode and start catabolizing muscle (yes, gross image there). Anyway, we will see what happens over this next week... always an adventure. Definitely starting to get more

Here is another interesting thing that has been happening lately... Emily and I have been getting the most random comments at the gym. People are very complimentary but almost in a weird way. They seem so interested in what we are doing, how we are training, what we are eating, etc. This morning the comment was regarding "wanting our butts" - not your normal gym talk with other unknown members. I guess this a compliment but it is a bit odd. It amazes me that people notice the transformation so much, but it does help you keep going :)

Progress pictures are to come this weekend... let's hope this new diet gets me closer to where I need to be!

So this morning Em and I had a killa glutes workout! Emily "tore up zi asses" (these were her words over text message and she wasn't lying). Afterwards I had to be careful to not make any sudden movements otherwise I might have torn a hammy or glute especially because this workout followed my treadmill workout that consisted of some HIIT.

So... here are my goals for this week: more sleep, more protein, less food. The only goal I want to do is the 'more sleep'. Balancing work, working out, cooking healthy meals and sleep has been very difficult. Currently I am only getting 4-6hrs a night of sleep, occassionally more but for the most part I hover around 5 hours a night. This creates a problem because I have figured out the following equation; being awake more hours = more time to want to eat! So I am really gonna have to work through these goals this week. I have a new workout and diet plan I am shooting for this week... we will see what kind of results I get after modifying these things. The only thing I am concerned about is my spaced out mentality, this is caused by eating less carbs than I usually do (I used to be a carbivore). I am starting to think that my body is consuming my brain cells for energy and somehow I need to convince my body to harvest from the mid-section. The abs are definitely in there, they are just sleeping under a small down comforter. This week I will focus on that area...

On another note I have decided to start calling myself Mrs. Poopy Pants. Serously today I am wearing a pair of pants that are saggy and baggy all over, especially in the butt region. It's definitely not cute, in fact it looks just down right sloppy and gross (like a dropped a load in my pants). I guess I just need to spend a little more time shopping for some new clothes this week too :)

So I also forgot to mention that I am feeling like goo again... looking back at my posts this seems to be clockwork right around the 18-20th of each month (glad I was blogging because I comment on this every time!) Essentially this has to be hormonal, but I needed to be sure that everyone realized it's jelly time!~ (And NO - not peanut butter and jelly time). In about a week I am sure I will be feelin like a million bucks again, but for now I am back on the jelly roller coaster...

Can someone please just hook me up to a protein IV? I am getting so freakin tired of eating protein. To be honest, it actually is a big concern of mine. This is such a critical point in my prep, I can afford to loose any muscle and therefore should be consuming copious amounts of protein (doing so in recent days has provoked a gag reflex on most occasions). So therefore, I came up with an idea to just insert an IV that could pump 30grams of protein into me every 2-3hrs. It would be amazing, I'll be it a little odd, but truly amazing!

Well this week brought some interesting things my way... my training was actually great this week (probably motivated out of fear). Today marks only 5 weeks to go... YIKES! I am so freakin scared! I got a lot of outdoor running in this week, which left my legs dangling from my torso like noodles towards the end of the week. One day I was out for a run and passed a bicycle, I wanted to turn my head and ask them why they even bothered riding their bike if they were going to ride so damn slow, and then I thought to myself, "self, you could knock them off of that bike and then use it to get yourself home faster". That day was my fourth day straight of outdoor runs (and that's on top of other cardio sessions and strength training sessions). I went from feeling like a gazelle the first day to feeling like a baby elephant (the only reason I was a baby instead of an adult elephant is because I have lost some weight over the past several weeks). I kept checking my shoes to see if someone was playing a mean trick on me and had put a bunch of gum on my soles... it felt like I was running on a giant fly trap, my legs didn't want to lift off the ground. Following this experience I decided I was going to take a day or two off from the outdoor running, and instead would spend my time indoors like a mouse running on a mouse wheel. Have you ever noticed that if you look around the gym it kinda resembles a mouse cage with all the mice squirreling about? So weird...

I do have some new progress pictures for you to look at... kinda random pictures, and I'm kinda bad and making sure the suit sits on my hips the same way in each picture (this can change the look slightly). These were taken over the course of the last week or so... in the most recent ones I am retaining quite a bit of water (couldn't even take my wedding ring off, I am so swollen). This water retention is due to "that time of the month" - woo f'ing hoo! I am starting to see more definition in my abs, which is good because I really kicked things up this last week and have actually started training my abs (don't ask me why I wasn't doing this all along). Today I will be going to try on my suit again (the top is supposed to be done). I am nervous but excited. This next couples of weeks is really time to shed as much fat as I can, so it will be an aggressive couple of weeks but I need to give it everything I've got. I will continue to post pics through this process. I should be able to blog more frequently now, one of my Directors who has been gone for 5 weeks is finally back to work which will alleviate some of my work stress. Anyway - enough of my blah, blah, blah... here are the pics;

So here's the latest phenomena... my mind is playing tricks on me! Seriously, the only way you can understand this is if you've been through it. Here are a few of the things that have been happening to me;

*Loss of wanting to go on a "bender" after the competition (Believe me I am fighting this... I really want to binge but my brain is trying to tell me not to cause overloading on carbs after the show will probably make me inflate like the Macy Day parade balloons)

*Enhanced appreciation and taste recognition of natural fruits (they are starting to resemble candy, so weird and wrong)

*Nuerotic thought cycles about exercising and food prep that consume my day and night

*Wearing clear stripper heels in public and not caring (to practice my competition walking, not to 'make some extra money')

I have less than 6 weeks to go and now is the time to kick it into high gear... time to shed as much fat as humanly possible in 6 weeks. The hard part is balancing the food consumption. I am starting to not feel like eating by I know deep inside I must consume my meals otherwise I will catabolize my muscle and start to look "skinny fat". Everything revolves around protein... I seriously wonder how many whole chickens, fish and other animals I have consumed through this process? Probably a whole farm's worth, a really big farm. Really when I think about it it grosses me out - I don't even like protein!!! What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?

Ok, needing to change the subject. Yesterday I tried on my competition suit for the first time. It had no elastic in it yet (because hopefully I will be much smaller in 6 weeks). As much as I was expecting it to look like a teal loin cloth on my body, it didn't. It actually looked pretty good (if I get brave I will post the pictures). I have decided that I will have my hair dyed dark mahogany brown, thinking this will look good with my suit color, my eyes and super dark skin. Some of you have seen my hair this color before, but it has been a long time. I attached some pic's for examples... whadda ya think?! Text me and let me know if you agree or if you think lighter is better...

Ok, as promised I said I would break down my training regimen even further than the last post and show you an example workout. The exercises change fairly frequently and the reps are also changing somewhat frequently, but here was a recent workout;

Back/Biceps

*Pullups
*Dumbbell(DB)curls
*Seated Row
*Incline DB curls
*Back Extension
*Cable hammer curls
*T-bar row (I only add this in if I feel I have enough energy)

All are 3 sets of 15 currently. There you have it! It's not as glamorous as people think, pretty simple exercises.

I have decided that I am going to post some specifics about my training regimen, because I get so many questions from people (some of whom are reading my blog). So... you want to know exactly what I am doing now?!?!? Here it is, below is an example of my 'goal' workouts for the week (I don't always reach these but this is what I am shooting for the upcoming week);

Monday:
AM - Shoulders, 20-25 minutes HIIT and 15 minutes other cardio
PM - 30 minutes steady state cardio, low intensity

Tuesday:
AM - Legs, 20 minutes HIIT and 15 minutes other cardio
PM - 20 minutes steady state cardio, low intensity

Wednesday:
AM - Plyos, 35 minutes cardio
PM - 30 minutes steady state cardio, low intensity

Thursday:
AM - Chest/Tri's, 20-25 minutes HIIT and 15 minutes other cardio
PM - 30 minutes steady state cardio, low intensity

Friday:
AM - Back/Bi's, 35 minutes cardio
PM - 25 minutes steady state cardio, low intensity

Saturday:
AM - Abs, 20 minutes HIIT

Sunday: ???? (not sure yet :)

So there you have some of the "details" of the training plan. Honestly, if I met all of those workouts for the week I would be estatic! I haven't been able to reach all of them yet, but I have 6 more weeks to make the commitment. The one thing I really am trying to balance is to not plateau. In order to see results I feel I have to constantly change up what I am doing or push harder and faster. The same is true with the food, I am slowing making changes to my diet so that my body will continue to respond, for example I recently took dairy out of my diet. The first week I tried I actually failed because I ended up sneaking a few dairy snacks in. This week I almost succeeded without dairy - next week I know I will reach that goal! The one thing diet wise that has honestly been killing me is the sugar free snacks I keep indulging in! I feel like I am addicted... I have vowed to swear off the sugar free crap for the last 6 weeks - I am guessing that I will see some results just from not consuming them (they are extra calories after all!) Part of my renewed motivation comes from seeing a few of my 'competitors' this week. I honestly felt sick to my stomach after seeing them... but it got me fired up and made me want to work harder. My perception was that they looked pretty damn good already and I want to be able to present my best physique ever... the only way to do that is to put the hard work in!

Stay tuned for additional posts. I am trying on my suit for the first time tomorrow... and I plan on taking pictures to post. The other thing I am going to post is a detailed workout example of my strength workout... to further demystify my training.

Last night I was on a fast track, a highway to the danger zone. I got a call from TJ around 1:30 that he had hurt his ankle playing basketball, I could tell in his voice that he was in a lot of pain. I left work and took him to urgent care, we were there for a couple of hours getting x-rays, etc. On the way home I stopped to fill his prescription, and while I was waiting I bought him some snacks. It brought back so many memories of the times that I had sprained my ankle and was given "treats" to make it feel better while I healed up. Talked about emotional enlightenment! This is truly emotional eating! I got some things for TJ and then I got many things for myself (you woulda thought I was the one with the hurt ankle). Of course all of my treats were sugar free, and the over consumption of these treats lead to the dismay of my stomach last night as I laid curled up in my bed trying to "just sleep it off". I was stuffed like a rotisserie pig and to be honest, was turning over and over and over in my bed like one to the discomfort of overeating sugar free snacks. The sad thing is that as I gobbled up these items I said to myself, "self, I really hope you pay the price for this". Well, the sugar free fairy made good on that.

This morning I woke up and thought... geez! I feel like I am on the Biggest Loser and I just lost a food challenge. I wish Jillian was here to scream in my face and get me to break down and start crying to explain why I had this emotional reaction to TJ getting hurt. Food is comfort, we all know that. I think food is actually more like a drug for most of us. You can use it to console you when you are down, you can use it to celebrate, you can use it when you are bored, etc. Doesn't this sound like alcohol... weird! All I know is that I have never seen a figure competitor 'publish' their diet and show a long list of sugar free junk foods as their main staples... it's time to get my mind right, stop succumbing to my guilty palate pleasures and eat like an athlete. If I want to do well, which I DO - then, I have to turn this super tanker around...

Lately my emotions have been very interesting. For some reason the car "brings out the best in me". I am certain that my car acts as a magnet for idiot drivers. Not that I have been hit or anything, but I can go from signing happily along to a song to screaming profanity at the top of my lungs to a driver who is driving slower than the speed limit and then back to singing happily along. If I didn't know better I would think someone has slipped some steroids in my food. It mostly only happens in the car too, which is kinda weird. The Dieter's Rage kicks in when I watch cars pulling into drive-throughs, restaurants or grocery stores. I am not gonna lie, I am kinda jealous of those that are wandering through their lives eating whatever they want. I constantly feel like I am on an episode of survivor and there is no food to be found for me.

The only perk to all of this is that my body is changing. I have posted my latest progress picture, this is 7 weeks out from the competition day (don't pay attention to the posing, that obviously still needs work). Time to kick it in high gear! I still am struggling occasionally with the food. Usually it is not eating enough and occasionally I add something in I really shouldn't be eating (like the recent arrival and short stay of sugar free candy again). Last night I broke down at the grocery store and bought a watermelon flavored yogurt (yes, my palate does resemble that of a 4th graders). I haven't had dairy in weeks and oh did it taste soooo good!

My goal for this week is to stop that and to get control again of the food. I also need to increase the intensity of my workouts... I haven't done measurements in weeks - but may get them done at some point this week just out of curiosity. I can tell you this, my clothes are fitting MUCH looser. Most of my pants don't even look good on me anymore, looks like I am wearing my parents clothes. That gave me an excuse to go shopping (as if I ever need an excuse for that!). I grabbed a pair of size 4 and 6's off the rack. I decided I would try the 6's on first because I didn't want to crush myself if the 4's were like spandex to put on. I slowly pulled up the pair of size 6's... so far so good. Then I went to button them and wow- were they tight! I thought to myself "what the hell?!??! I have 6's at home and they all fit". I double checked the tag... someone had accidentally put the pants on a hanger labeled 6 but they were 2's!!!!! Whew! and holy crap! I buttoned a pair of 2's on my body!!!! So I grabbed the 4's... fit like a glove! Yippee!!! What a confidence booster! I have a pile of clothes that used to be my regular clothes that now fit, it's like I have a whole new wardrobe. I kind of feel like that person that "got back into their high school jeans". This was exactly what I needed this week, thank you GOD.

That's the motto for this... Operation TNT - Tight n' Tiny! I have certainly been shrinking and getting 'tighter' (don't you love that scientific lingo?!?! haha... funny that's the stuff that used to irritate me while I was in grad school). Anyway, you get the picture. Soon I will upload another round of progress pic's. I actually have strayed away from them for a while along with taking measurements. The pictures haven't been taken because I have just been busy and maybe a bit lazy. The measurements haven't been taken because I vowed to not take them obsessively because I am just not sure how healthy it would be to be fixated on the numbers. I don't necessarily have a "goal weight" or body composition I am shooting for. For me I am just trying to take one day and a time, put the work in and see what happens. Numbers can be unreliable and not accurate sometimes and on top of that they can make you looney! If you gain one pound or don't loose what you are shooting for it makes you go insane... and spiral into a state of questioning yourself and creating a frantic plan to 'catch up'. I want to focus on the journey and not just the numbers, so at this point that is what I am doing. Someone out there may be reading this and screaming at their monitor right now... "you need to look at your numbers and make adjustments!" And to that I just sit smiling back at my computer and say, "this is my journey... and I am in the drivers seat". Trying to keep a sane mind for me means not looking at those numbers - and believe me, trying to keep a sane mind through this process is hard enough work!

Oh ya... did I say Aloha?!?!?! My Hawaii trip is only 3 months away... Mahalo!

You are probably wondering what the hell happened to me... well let's just sum it up by saying that work went to "hell in a handbasket". Geez! I have had a seriously stressful last couple of weeks with work. So stressful that on a daily basis our HR director approaches me to check on me. He says he is seriously concerned that I might have a heart attack (in the back of my mind I wonder too... seriously). What's all very interesting about this is that I have really had to put things into a different perspective. I mean, how do you train for a figure competition and still work 70-80 hours per week?!?! Well, it certainly isn't easy or for the 'weak'. Everyday I have gotten up over that last few weeks I have had to look myself in the mirror and say out loud... you can get through this - this is temporary (and I'm not even talking about the fitness deal!). To be brutally honest I am exhausted, completely exhausted. I haven't had a weekend off from work in over a month and I am averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night. This is obviously not enough while I am training. This weekend is the first complete weekend I will have off and I CAN NOT WAIT!

On a side note I have realized that perhaps this is all just a test of my faith... and in a few weeks I will have a greater appreciation for working only 45 hours a week, and I will appreciate doing only one job... and then eventually (after the figure show) I will appreciate how good fruit and dairy taste! How demented of a process is this?!?! I mean seriously, I have cut out two, nearly three (if you count carbohydrates) of the food groups! The food guide pyramid is supported by all respected nutritional groups in the country and beyond. Fruit and dairy are considered healthy and a necessity in ones diet and yet I can't have either?!?!? This is probably one of the first times along this journey that I have recognized how irrational and unhealthy this process truly is. Here's the other thing that has stood out very clear - it is all a GAME. This is not a 'lifestyle choice', it is something that is like chasing the dream, not something one can withstand long term or maintain. Clearly as you are reading it is coming through loud and clear that this may not be something I will continue to do in my life. I have the utmost respect and appreciation for the process and the self-awareness and discipline it creates but really can not justify in my mind a legitimate reason to do it again. Of course, don't worry... I am committed to finishing it out - because I never quit anything I have committed to. I am learning a ton about myself and of course love the results I am getting. I also however, recognize that I can maintain the body I have now without the torture and limitation of food groups and calories. It's kinda like climbing Mount Everest, you can push yourself to do it once (maybe twice) but no one should be living up there...

And, with that - the journey continues. You better know that even though I don't agree with the philosophy or want to do this again, I will make this a damn good journey and leave it all on the stage... competitors beware.